And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
