you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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