Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
