I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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