I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
