i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
