Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
