i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
