I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
