I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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