Sry I called you an 8
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
