It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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