The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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