He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
