I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
