Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
