i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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