He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
