i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
