Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
