Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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