I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
