I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
