got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
