I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
