We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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