I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
