I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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