When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
