I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
