her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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