In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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