Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
