just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I didn't notice because vodka
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
