Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
