well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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