mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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