You can't motorboat a personality
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
