I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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