We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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