everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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