Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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