I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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