I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
