you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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