I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Is it because I queefed?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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