I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
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