Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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