dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm getting married
To pizza
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
