I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
