Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My hand turned me down
You can't motorboat a personality
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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