Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
