I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
