yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
