During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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