I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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