god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
