One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
