she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
